The most common question I am asked about relationships is….

” How do I know if they are the one? “

The truth is, that generally you don’t; certainly not at first. Some of us are lucky and have great instincts that help us out but for most it’s a hit and miss kinda thing, which can end in hurt and rejection. This scares us, so much so, that many of us are unable to take that initial plunge and take the hand being proffered.  All sorts of negative thoughts can run through our minds and before we know it, the defense is up and its impenetrable.

So how do we navigate this potential heartbreaking situation? How do we find out if this person is worth risking our heart on? How do we find the courage to let the defenses down?

I would love to have an easy answer for you but Life is not like that. It does not come with guarantees or instructions, we each have our own mistakes to make and our own paths to follow.

HOWEVER, there are a few things we can do, that will enable us to make better guesses.

1) Trust your friends: if you are fortunate to have good friends around you……listen to them! When we are in the crazy initial throws of love or lust our judgement is impaired by raging hormones, so this is the time to let your friends BE YOUR FRIENDS. If they are having negative feelings about your relationship, they may be picking up on something you are not, so hear them out!

2) Make a life plan: This is a list of the things you want to accomplish in your life or what you want your life to be like. Do you see, marriage, home, children or are you wanting to travel, have a career or move to another country?  Your future partner should have the same sort of life plan. Yes things change but our general direction usually doesn’t, so its important that you are both heading in the same direction.

3) Know your Values & Morales: This is an important one. Mark sure you know your own standards. Not just where you stand on big issues like equality, racism or religion but also on the smaller things like manners, and social etiquette. I have known many a relationship falter over seemingly small things such as bed times for children or whose turn it is to pay for dinner. We do tend to lean towards people who have similar backgrounds to ourselves and it is primarily because of these ‘small things’ that we have in common.  We don’t need to agree on everything but our basic moral & social compass needs to be somewhat aligned.

4) Don’t rush it: I can’t stress this one enough.  Try not to get drawn into someone else’s sense of timing on your relationship. It is often the case that outsiders (parents, siblings, friends) will start hinting that its time for your relationship to move on to the next step.  Only the people IN the relationship can decide and I would suggest if you are ‘unsure’  then the time is not right.

When it is time to say yes, when all the pieces of your relationship fit together nicely……….YOU WILL KNOW!

If you need more help around this issue or with your life plan, please contact me on lin@helpinghand-lifecoaching.ca

 

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